That Song

This week I have heard several renditions of a song that reminded me of loss and unbearable pain; the kind of pain that pierces the essence of who I am. I have heard the song over and over from different artists randomly this week. A song that is so beautiful it would bring me to tears without a deep and heavy hurt to make it more poignant. The same song that I sat and held your hand as you fell into the weakness of your exhaustion, which in three days time would slip you away from us. We both knew as I held your hand, that we were saying goodbye. Your eyes closed, as I held your hand so tightly I could feel your sadness. Tears cascaded down my face, but I dared not allow a sob or sound release from my mouth.  I wanted to spare you the pain of my hurt. But you knew. We listened in silence to that angelic voice sing “In the Arms of an Angel” on the television that night. The song that brought me comfort at the same time as its memory gave me so much pain. I can once again hear the song and not melt into my grief although the words resonate so powerfully within me.  Maybe this means that time is healing my brokenness. Maybe I can find comfort and hope that you are in the arms of an angel. Maybe this was a gift that somehow found its way to my heart. I can only wonder…..

One Year Later.....

The pain of your loss used to cut through my heart like a knife and I felt the pain radiate throughout my stomach. The unanswered questions and the unknown place of death was and is a foreign concept that I cannot make sense of. It has almost been a year since you have been gone. The pain is now a welcome replacement in my heart, for it keeps the place warm where you once did. The pain of missing you has become my comfort, because the line between love and loss is too hard to find anymore.  With the ache in my heart, I can hold on to you and not be empty without you.  

Life Goes On

It has been about 7 months since my mom's passing. Life has gotten easier, although I still have moments of disbelief at times. Since there is no guidebook that tells me what comes next in this whole grief thing, it's pretty much up to me to make sense of it all. When a parent dies, people seem to be faced with the concept of their own mortality. Everyone dies, this we know. Although it is healthy to move on, it is amazing how life just sort of falls back in place, compensating for the life that has been lost. Holes left in people's heart are filled with other people or things and sometimes activities. This is the healthy way, as claimed by all the grief professionals, but somehow it seems a little sad. The hearts heal from the wounds of lost, but huge scars are left behind to mark the place.

My dad started dating a woman a little over a month ago and it has gone from casual to almost living together at warp speed. I know that feeling a little uncomfortable with the prospect of my father dating a new woman is expected. I do feel uncomfortable but it is getting a little easier. I have imagined if I were to die, what would I want for my husband? I am sure I wouldn't want him to go through life miserable and lonely. So I accept that people need companionship. Isn't that why we are all built to need each other? As the days turn into months, and the months turn into years since my mother's passing, life seems to go back into their places and as I watch, I am both amazed and perplexed at the same time. But all life's mysteries are both amazing and perplexing so I will adapt and continue on but learning about myself along the way in hopes I can pass some of my understanding along to my children in a way that they will be one step ahead of me at this point in their lives.

Bump in the Road....or shall I say huge boulder

I am stricken with grief. My mom is dying and I am so heartbroken, that I am numb. I take time to visit her maybe once a week with her two beautiful grand-daughters, which is the highlight of her days but isn't nearly as much time as she deserves. I have such a hard time with this because the illness and approaching death makes my mom unrecognizable to me. She is a shell of the strong woman that I was raised from. I am actually reading about how to grieve because I feel like somehow I need an instruction manual just because it feels so wrong. The anticipation of her death paralyzes me with the reality that one day I won't be able to even hug her anymore or more importantly, she won't be able to hug me.

My mom has a slew of health problems that include the latest of which is thought be tumors in her lungs. She is not strong enough to perform a biopsy on because she has congestive heart failure and she has stopped breathing the last time they tried to biopsy. Three separate radiologists have given a prognosis that the tumors are cancerous. She is loosing about one pound a day consistently with a day or so when she may gain a few ounces. The doctors have said that the tumors are leaching protein and nutrients from her body and regardless of how much she eats, her body will not retain the nutrients. So basically she is starving to death and now is suffering from malnutrition at this point already.

I don't know how long she has. It could be days, weeks or even months. The agony of watching this is so difficult but the realization that she will die and not be here anymore is even more unbearable. Believing that the person who gave me life and sacrificed so much of herself to give to me instead, will be gone from my life some point soon just kills me. My mom is the one person in the world who loves me more than anyone could and life without that love leaves me so empty and naked. It really takes my breath away. The invisible safety net that my mom provides will be gone for me and I sure hope that I don't fall with nothing to catch me.

The crazy thing about this is my logic kicks in and says "We should all expect our parents to die one day because everyone dies right? As the joke goes, the only certainty in life are death and taxes so why is it so damn difficult to process?" My emotions kick in and say "This is my mom for Pete's Sake, it is quite normal to freak out during this type of trauma." I am sure that I will experience many more face offs between my logic and my emotions and at some point they will meet and agree. Until then, I will remain a mess. I need to get this off my chest and into space so I figured blogging about it would be a good way to do that. I might change my mind tomorrow so don't think you are crazy if you see the post and then you don't. So my little bloggy world, you may become on occasion that which I release my inner strife onto.

Wordless Wednesday

"Everything will be just fine as long as you do what I say"

"But if you don't, this is what happens"

Look Mom! I'm a Winner!

Last weekend, we had the pleasure of watching our little one compete in her very first competition ever! I know, I know we are little late in getting her into training gear for the Olympics. We should have started her at 2 years old. Nevertheless we stood by and cheered her on as she swam the length of the pool in 3 different races. Look out Phelps...you have some competition comin'.

When I introduced the idea of the competition to my daughter, who of course is the most competitive little thing I have ever seen, she said in her charming little way, "Oh, mommy is that the thing we go to and win? I definitely want to do it." Well, I wasn't going to break her little heart and tell her that she may not win so I just left that part out, seeing as though she was excited and all.

The day came, and she could hardly sleep the night before so I knew she was excited. Her first event was the freestyle, she swam her little fishy heart out. Just jumped in and went for it. She was one of the last to finish and she was so freakin cute. She climbed right out of the water and yelled (in her biggest ever outside voice) "I WON"! And she really believed it too! It was one of her proudest moments. I just smiled real big and of course everyone around her was smiling too (laughing really) because of her enthusiasm. We all clapped and the day went on and she carried that moment with her. It is really amazing that if you just believe in yourself as a winner, you will be. She believed she was a winner and therefore she is. Her last event was the butterfly. She was so tired, could hardly get her arms up each stroke but she finished! I have to give that girl credit. She has the confidence of a Lion and the perseverance I admire so much. I am still shocked every day that I learn so much from her. When I began this journey of motherhood, I always thought it was I who would teach my daughter, but on the contrary at times, I find it she who teaches me.

A week of Summer Camp for FREE ....What?

I love to have my kids involved in some kind of summer activity that takes them out of the house and I prefer that it be educational or physically active. This is not only because I love it when they come home totally wiped out from a day of fun and exciting adventures but also it helps me keep my sanity. That time has come when our kids will have more free time on their hands than we or they know what to do with. In my Saturday blogging travels I came across a giveaway for a One Week of FREE Summer Camp (half day) from Champions Science Adventures at The Mom Reviews. I love this site by the way , tons of awesome usable giveaways. This is one of those giveaways that I really didn't want to alert the press to if you know what I mean. I was hoping to keep this fabulous find all to myself. But in order to reap the full benefits of my possibilities to become the winner of this most awesome contest, I decided to partake in the extra 5 entries that blogging about this event would give me:). Now that the truth is out and you know my true motives here, I'll get on with the details in the interest of bloggy mom's valuable time.

For more information on this camp and details on the contest all you have to do is head over to The Mom Reviews and check it out. Champion Science Adventures has camps all across the county. I found 3 locations within a few mile radius of my house and at least 10 within a 20 mile radius so this contest is one that most can benefit from.

But remember, this is our little secret.